Cell #1035 aka: Blessings through Raindrops

What a crazy few weeks this has been!  I have felt the feeling of being trapped by my circumstances over the last few weeks.  Recently I was admitted into a hospital and given the room #1035 as my home away from home.  This room became a symbol for the feelings that were inside my heart as I wrestled with God’s plan for my life.

Here is the story:

As some of you know, I was “down for the count” with back pain on Tuesday, March 26th.  I had lifted my 2 1/2 year old son Conner out of the car and pulled a muscle in my back.  I was in such extreme pain that I went into the emergency room where they took one look at me and gave me dilaudid pain medication.  It took the pain away and so they sent me home with a prescription for more pain medicine and told me to rest.  If you know me, I do not “rest” very well.  My back continued to hurt and I began to feel overwhelmed by caring for my toddler son and my 3 week old baby.  My church family rallied around me and came to help, but inside I felt betrayed by my body (and ultimately God).  I wanted to take care of my children.  I wanted to make my house look clean when people came to see the baby.  I wanted to be in control of what was accomplished for the day.  My back would not allow for this.

A few days later, on April 2nd,  I had some more pain in my back but this time it wrapped around to the front.  I took 2 of the pain killers the Dr. had prescribed and waited for the relief.  It never came.  I continued to hurt till finally I turned to my husband and said, “Something is not right.  You need to take me to the emergency room again.”  We quickly found someone to come watch the boys and made our way back to the emergency room.  Inside I was so frustrated.  Why is this happening?  Why can’t I be at home enjoying these first few weeks with my baby?  Why can’t my body behave?  Once again the Dr. saw I was in pain and gave me dilaudid and told me that they thought that the problem was my gallbladder.  I needed to go check into the other hospital emergency room so I could have an ultrasound to check for gallstones.  So, my husband and I headed to the (other) hospital and checked in.  We waited for the ultrasound and sure enough.  The ER Dr. told me that I was “chucked full of gallstones.”  We were then transferred to a different ER room and the surgeon came in and told me that I would probably need to have 2 surgerys.  One to clean out the bile duct of any stones and then they would have to remove my gallbladder.  Needless to say, I was going to be admitted into the hospital.

Saturday night we were told the GI Dr. would be in on Sunday and would talk to us about doing an ERCP to remove the stone from my bile duct and once that was done, we would get my gallbladder out and I could maybe be home by Tuesday afternoon/night.  Justin made a trip home to grab some essentials and then stayed the night with me in my room.  My levels went down over night and I had some relief from the pain.  The GI doctor after looking at my levels thought I passed the stone and wanted to do a less invasive MRI/MCP to check out the bile duct for a stone.  This test could only be done on the weekdays so, it was scheduled for Monday.  We prayed the scan would show no stone and then I could have my gallbladder out on Monday and be on my way.  Monday morning I went for the MRI and no stone could be detected so, I got my gallbladder taken out.  Monday night was horrible.  I was in a lot of pain and the morphine that was prescribed for me was not helping.  I woke up Tuesday having slept very little and had my levels checked.  They had not gone down.  This indicated that in fact there was a stone in my bile duct and so, Wednesday I was going to have the ERCP to remove the stone.  I was mad.  “NO!”  I thought we said it was clear.  This was extremely disappointing to me.  I would have to stay for 2 more days in the hospital.  I never dreamed when I told Justin to take me in on Saturday that I would still be in the hospital that Thursday.

Everything went well with the surgery and I was released Thursday afternoon to be checked in a week.  I went home and saw my boys.  I missed them so much.  I cried and cried.  I was still sore and needed to rest, but I was home.

God’s merciful hand doesn’t always seem merciful when we look at our circumstances.  The singer/songwriter Laura Story has a song called “Blessings.”  Here is a Video &  the Lyrics:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It’s not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Laura Story beautifully brings out an idea that I needed to be reminded of:  God’s ways are higher than my ways.  He loves me and is blessing me even through what feels like a storm.  Through my tears (and even pain), sleepless nights (with a newborn & in the hospital),  greatest disappointments (not being home with my boys, house a wreck) are the ways that he is reminding me to be dependent on HIM.  These trials of life are truly His mercies in disguise.  They draw me to him.  They remind me that I cannot do this life on my own, I need his grace and love.

Lord, I am prone to wander.  I feel it everyday.  I am prone to leave you, the God I Love.  Please take my heart.  Take and seal it.  Seal it for Thy courts above.  I cannot do it.  It must be you.  Lord, here’s my heart.